Day 24 (If I Didn't Know How to Swim I Would Drown)

One of my favorite places in Stamford is Cove Island Park. My preferred time of day is dusk. I spent the evening walking a few miles beside the city’s beaches as the clouds rolled in with the night’s sky, and sun fell away with the tide. The sweet smell of dried grass and salt water spray roused my mood as the winds whispered to the leaves, stirred the sands, and made a scenic mess of my hair. The sounds of rubber against asphalt and broken conversations were almost like lyrics to the melody of crashing waves in the distance. It was the perfect time to clear my head. But, now I’m home, spending quality time with my very own reality.

According to government websites, the Bridgeport/Stamford area has an unemployment rate of 7.6 percent as opposed to the nation’s 9.7 percent. Although 17 states, as well as the District of Columbia, have reported decreases, 26 states reported over-the-month increases, leaving nearly 14.9 million people without the reassurance of an occupation. While I was employed I never saw myself as a number, at the moment I am just another statistic.

The Wall Street Journal says it should take the average person one month per every $20,000 they are seeking in salary to find a compatible job. This seems reasonable and offers me hope as the first month of my new life without a laborious income draws to a close. Being as stubborn as I am, combined with an overwhelming fear of commitment, I have passed on job offers in unrelated fields of interest. Some think I’m crazy for doing this but, I don’t want to jump into bed with the first pay check that gives me the time of day. I am an eternal romantic and want to save myself for the right opportunity. I am still waiting for, “The One”.

Day 21 (Didn't See That Rabbit Hole Before Falling In)

I haven’t written in a while. I have, as I expected, tossed aside my unemployment blog experiment in favor of a different, darker, trial of introspection. My brand new toy is an environmentally induced self apocalypse. A “My world is over“ special edition made up of current events. It’s pretty doom and gloom, but passes hollow time fairly well. Or, it did until the continuous hope of hitting rock bottom became such a let down after waking each morning feeling lower than the day before. The decent eventually brought me to a point where I couldn’t even imagine the end to an existence would be such a miserable trip. This realization of how far fetched my reckoning had become lead me to abandon my latest ideals. Believing all is lost over an extended period of time turns wretched. That’s what happened to me. But, I can’t take the wretchedness. I want a different attitude.

I lost the appetite for my own destruction while out to dinner with friends earlier. I was faking my way through another evening of socialization when things began to shift. For the first time in a while I stepped outside of myself and saw people living in their own worlds. Breathing, talking, laughing, eating, being. It reminded me of my goals, my hopes and dreams. It reminded me that I was still alive.

I think the key to success is a good sense of direction and lately I haven’t had one. I no longer know who or what I want to be. I feel like I’ve been stripped bare, and while cold and uncomfortable, I think it might be what I’ve always wanted. With all of the pressure to be successful, sometimes I forget that it’s me that gets to decide who I want to be next. Standing alone and uncovered gives me the opportunity to figure it out, and this week I’ve decided to get back to trying. I will do it with optimism and a smile…even if it kills me.

Day 3 ("I'm gonna start a revolution from my bed")

Today was a slow day at the office (my bedroom). After completing my unemployment registration and opting to withhold state taxes, I was relieved to receive news that some freelance work may be heading in my direction within days. I’ve been lucky enough to remain in the thoughts of people willing and wanting to assist me while I surpass this setback. It helps quell the sting of uncertainty to know others care enough to numb the fear as best they can. For that I am truly grateful and appreciative. I hope I can reciprocate one day…when I rule the world!

I had a late Chinese lunch and tried duck for the first time today, which tasted like chicken but may have been cat. I don’t believe in superstition, but for fun, anytime I eat a fortune cookie I ask a question and make sure I’ve devoured it in entirety before reading my fate. My question today - Will I be ok? My answer - Your success will astonish everyone. You better not be lying cookie!

Day 2 (Will that be Tall, Grande, or Venti?)

I remember a comedian once referred to the poser perception of laptop clad patrons, setting up shop like wolves among the average American coffee fiend, in cafes from coast to coast. His observation was something to the effect of, “I’m so important, I’m ultra cool, I’m writing on my computer at a Starbucks!” Well, I’m not that important, I do consider myself reasonably cool, yet here I am writing on my computer at a Starbucks. I have become the American writer cliché.

Identity crisis aside, my second day as a freelance freeloader has been mild thus far. I began filing for unemployment early this morning, but was halted rather abruptly once I stumbled upon the need for a former employer registration code. I am now left to continue activating my state assistance tomorrow. For my next act, I spent about an hour in the sun tanning…I mean looking for a job. While sprawled across a blanket in the yard, visions of resumes and cover letters danced in my head. The email addresses of every professional I’ve met over the past 2 years struggles to surface to the top of my over extended to-do list, but I am no closer to a resolution than I was yesterday. I have been inundated with the advice of others. From, “hurry find a job!” to “relax and take your time” I still just do not know what to do. To be or not to be…which pays more?

Driving through town I came across a farmers market, which has been and will be held each Wednesday between the hours of 10am and 4pm, spanning the end of October. Located in the parking lot shared with the Star bucks on High Ridge Rd., vibrant, colorful fruits and vegetables from the farms of Seymour, CT., take shade beneath white tents decorated with sundresses and fragrant herbs. The swarm of people gathering around the stands provided me with enough incentive to pull over and take a few pictures. I usually only eat meals that must be unwrapped once taken from the box so, the event was slightly lost on me. However, it was still a lovely refuge from the typical city hustle and bustle.

As my motivation dwindles with the light of day, I am left to ponder…where will I be a year from now?

Day 2

Day 2

Day 2